Odds and Ends

On television, cops are exclusively friends with cops. Doctors with doctors. Lawyers with lawyers. If I was on TV, I'd be friends with failures and losers. Woot.

Research studies - as opposed to non-research studies? - show that homosexual teenagers attempt - keyword, attempt - suicide four times as frequently as heterosexual teenagers. How many of these homoteens survive their attempts? I'd say, ninety-nine percent. There are homos everywhere. Everyone's a homo. It's a pandemic.

Haha, recently someone inquired as to my opinion on propaganda. Here she goes. CNN is biased. "Alternative media is the only true media". However, misinformed university students who watch CNN and then relay the information backwards, upside-down, and sideways are scarcely better.

My family's most recent argument: Pumpkin spice doughnuts from Tim Horton's - for a limited time, the October promotion. My father does likes them - they're not too pumpkin-y. My mother does not like them - they're too spice-y. Jennifer likes them - but they're better "dunked" in coffee. Tim Horton's coffee, $1.30 . Pumpkin spice doughnut, $0.80. Quality time with the family, priceless.

And that's the way it is.

- 1991kmh

Saturday, September 19th, 2009.

Tonight,

I walked through the darkness to meet Cara in a local park. Blah, blah, blah - we smoked cigarettes and talked. On the way home, I walked through the darkness - darker darkness. I met a strange stranger who I will refer to as Dustin - in honour of a fellow I know who he reminded me of.

Dustin: What's up?
Kaitlin: Nothing? What's up?
Dustin: Do you have any money?
Kaitlin: Are you "mugging" me?
Dustin: I'm not "mugging" you. I'm asking you if you have any money.
Kaitlin: In a park, in the dark. Haha, that rhymed.
Dustin: You're strange.
Kaitlin: You're a mugger.
Dustin: No, I'm not. So, do you have any money?
Kaitlin: I have seventeen cents. - The truth- .
Dustin: Do you have anything else?
Kaitlin: I have a cigarette, a red Bic lighter, and some stupid shit. - I had three cigarettes, four Bic lighters, and some stupid shit - .
Dustin: What kind of shit?
Kaitlin: Razor blades and toilet paper. - The honest to God truth - .
Dustin: Why do you have razor blades? - The toilet paper wasn't questionable? I had toilet paper in case I needed to pee - .
Kaitlin: To cut myself.
Dustin: You shouldn't cut yourself.
Kaitlin: You shouldn't mug people.
Dustin: Whatever. I'll take the seventeen cents. And the cigarette and lighter.
Kaitlin: It's in pennies. The cigarette is a Studio and the lighter is half empty. - Which is also half full, I suppose - .
Dustin: I'll take it.
Kaitlin: Okay.
Dustin: Thanks.
Kaitlin: Oh no, thank you.
Dustin: Okay, bye.
Kaitlin: Goodbye.

Then he returned to the park from whence he came. Oh, and he reminded me of a fellow I know because he smelled like Axe and lemons. Dustin wore Axe body spray and drank lemon gin.

- 1991kmh

This and That

I was home-schooled. My mother "taught" me. However, the only two things I remember my mother teaching me as a child were the alphabet (A-Z) and shapes (circle, square, and triangle - there were only three shapes when I was a child.)

"Intimate thoughts" sound like feelings. I avoid feelings so I also avoid "intimate thoughts". It makes sense to me.

Pick-up line: I took a shower yesterday. - I didn't do it. I don't care whether he took a shower yesterday or last year. There is no amount of soaking or soaping to remove venereal diseases from one's genitals.

I touched a two-ince centipede without hesitation - in fact, with fasination. However, I cringe at the thought of touching a cob of corn.

I read science fiction. Although, I haven't read good science fiction written in the last twenty years - including the seventeen years I've been alive. Come to think of it, I haven't read ANY science fiction written in the last twenty years.

That's all for now, folks.

- 1991kmh

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009.

Tonight,

I realized I should kill myself. I felt the same as when I first drank a rum cooler after three months of drinking vodka coolers all night, every night. It feels like "Woah, there has been an easier way all along!" I prefer to avoid difficulties. Because of this miraculous realization, I know how I should kill myself - vodka! Obviously not only one bottle of vodka will kill me. Goddamn unavoidable difficulties. Alas! Don't be discouraged. Updated method: 2 bottles (quarts) of vodka, 2 bottles of cough syrup, and 2 bottles (300 capsules) of Tylenol - for ol' time's sake. Yay! I'm super psyched. Oh shit, I'm going to require at least $100 for this suicide extravaganza. Goddamn difficulties.

-1991kmh

Monday, September 14th, 2009.

Tonight,

I argued with my father. "You're an ass." He'd gone out of his way to kill and insect I'd gone out of my way to save from my sister, Jennifer - she's entomophobic, assuming entomophobic is the scientific term for "fear of insects". "Please don't use THAT language." I laughed in his face. "Ass? Dictionary definition: A slang term for a donkey; a slang term for a part of the human anatomy; a technical term for you." It wasn't amusing or clever but he cracked a smile. "Please don't," he repeated. "Ass!" He frowned.

- Exit my father; enter my conscience - . The honest to God truth is that my father is not actually an ass. Me? Yes, I'm an ass, a genuine ass. A moment of self-depreciative reflection and I followed him. "Dad?" He sighed, "Yes, Kaitlin?" I didn't know what to say so I said what I knew. "I'm sorry. I'm fucking - he cringed - frustrated with two men in my life - Matt and Ryan, if you were wondering - and I'm releasing my frustrations on you, you being the only other one, man in my life." He exhaled. "Thank you. I love you." I said that I loved him too - which I do. I retreated, defeated by my own foolish, selfish, anger and pride.

Fifteen minutes after my own defeat of myself, I sat in bed and cut myself. My name is Kaitlin and I am a self-injurer. - Hello Kaitlin - . How? either hot objects or sharp objects. Most of the time, the latter. Why? Either I want to or I feel I need to. Tonight, the latter.

-1991kmh

Sunday, September 13th, 2009.

Tonight,

I was standing in my backyard, a cardboard box balanced on my head - an impromptu umbrella to protect me and my cigarette from the torrential downpour. Several minutes and a cigarette following my exit from the great indoors - entrance to the great outdoors -, as I was lighting another cigarette, I noticed an older woman, standing in her open garage, with her own cigarette. She appeared to have noticed me - or rather, she appeared to have noticed me noticing her noticing me. Thus, being the personable and sociable person that I so obviously am, I did the neighbourly thing and skipped - yes, skipped - through the rain, across my lawn, the street, and her driveway, and landed squarely on a cement block - strategically placed in front of her open garage, effectively blocking her vehicle, a black SUV. She stepped backward - ah, she was "taken aback".

I raised my voice, "I noticed we have similar plights!" She registered no observable understanding of our "similar plights" so I continued, "I noticed we have both been dismissed to our respective yards to enjoy our cigarettes in the pleasure of the tropical storm!" She laughed, uncomfortable, I suspect, and proceeded to invite me into the protection of her garage. She introduced herself - Annette, Rosemary, or Anne Marie, I think. I introduced myself also. I spelled my name "K-A-I-T-L-I-N". She complimented me on it, repeating it two or three times to add a sense of honest emphasis. "Oh my! A very pretty name!" I smiled. Oh my! I thought, a very common name! As a matter of fact, the third most common name of 1991 - the year I was born. I highly doubted she was aware of so trivial a fact so I immediately informed her of it. She smiled.

We made genial - good word, like "genital" - small talk for four minutes, which I timed, silently counting to 240 while engaged in superficial expression of my social ability. I'd go so far as to label it "superability". Anyway, four minutes and one cigarette later, I politely excused myself. I promised to return on my next cancer-causing excursion. I skipped joyfully - or joyously - through the rain, across her driveway, the street, and my lawn, and landed in my garage. I poured myself a drink - don't worry AA, diet raspberry iced tea, be happy AA - and reflected fondly on mine and my neighbour's similar plights.
As I promised, on my next cancer-causing excursion, I returned to my backyard, a cardboard box balanced on my head. To my dismay, Annetterosemaryannemarie's garage was closed - I felt suddenly alone.

- 1991kmh